NEWS

Happy Asteroid to Smash Earth

Massive asteroid set to hit earth next year: scientists recommend “love and lots of it”
Nasa “effectively not bothered”
Trumpets sell out
  

An enormous asteroid is set to hit the planet Earth in less than 24 months, experts revealed today. The asteroid, termed “Happy” by the man who first spotted it, Hapy Vek, will probably strike northern Africa, although its precise touchdown is academic given that, within a few minutes of impact, everyone will be dead.

The announcement was made in the early hours of the morning by Bob Trowelfoot, The Emperor of Earth.
  
“Firstly,” he said, “I should probably introduce myself. My name is Bob and I’ve been run- ning things up till now. Been keeping a bit of a low profile; sorry about that.
  
“As far as this asteroid thing goes... well... we’ve had a good innings, haven’t we? I don’t think we’ve got much to complain about, as a race. All good things must come to an end, and all that.
  
“So enjoy the time you’ve got left to you. I suggest you find someone wonderful you can sit softly with and basi- cally hold their hand for a little while, yeah?
  
“And that’s it really. I’m really sorry for buggering everything up. It wasn’t any politician’s fault, or corporation’s or capitalism or anything like that. It was me I’m afraid. All my fault.
  
“So - really sorry, but it doesn’t really make much difference now does it?
  
“Okay, bye then! Bye!”
  
Since the news hit people have been going mental; yet already there are signs that the initial hoopla is beginning to calm down.
  
“Obviously I freaked out when I heard,” said Tim Smathers, “but I’ve come to terms with it now, and I think the next couple of years are going to be really bloody nice actually.”
  
“You know,” said Sarah Smith, “its true what they say - you can only really love something that you know is going to pass away. Do they say that? perhaps they don’t, but its true, isn’t it?”
  
“Yeah, I found it a bit of a shock - first thing I did was set my house on fire,” confessed Lord Hux-Mobius, “but actually, its a bloody relief.”
  
This sentiment was echoed all over the country, as people started chilling out in epic style. Vast amounts of not much seems to be going on everywhere.
  
“Nobody is going to work,” said the Prime Minister, “but that’s fine. I’m not. Always fan- cied learning to fence actually.”
  
The Queen announced that she was going to play the clarinet on the news tonight. Insider reports say that her majesty has been working on some heart-rendingly sad jazz numbers.
  
As for me, I’m hiking up to the arctic circle. I fancy spend- ing my last summer on earth feigning elk.
  
So bye everyone. I love you all, I really do.
  
And don’t worry about a thing. Its going to be fine, it really is.”

Stock Exchange Suffers as Wife-Delighting Spreads

Currencies around the world are in free-fall and treasuries have been warned to “prepare for the end of the history” as a catastrophic wave of wife-delighting engulfed the planet in the early hours of yesterday morning.
  

The epidemic hit somewhere in western Europe and rapidly spread around the world, leaving economies teetering on the edge of col-lapse as hitherto economically productive wealth-maximising adult males have suddenly and inexplicably started to put the deep delight of their wives and girlfriends above their bank balances, chances of promotion, and fears of unemployment.

  
Architects have declared that they intend to make “nearly impossible” organic buildings, philosophers have stated that from now on their output will be clear and graceful, priests are handing their churches and mosques over to swing orchestras and manual work- ers around the world are taking long loving lie-ins before strolling calmly in to work in a glow of deep sexual satisfaction.
  
“I dunno,” said Mack Turleyman, senior manager at OPX, “I’d really just rather be learning to waltz with my gal than filling out progress report or attending another sodding meeting.”
  
Bus driver Tam Veblan said, “Well I will go in, but me and Berit, we’re going to be driving together this week... real slow.”
  
Stories have been coming in all morning of accountants studying meringue recipes and management consultants drawing leaves.
  
“The world has become as upside down - and all because of women,” quietly wondered Guy Fungible, whose broker- age firm, along with most commercial banks, today faces meltdown. “I suppose the world is an unloved woman,” he added.
  
It hasn’t been all doom and gloom though. A few women, said to be “fundamentally undelightable,” along with millions of “adoration immune” men are soldiering on as if nothing had happened, obediently turning up to work and school. But it is beginning to look like the tide cannot be turned.
  
“We seem to have passed some kind of critical mass,” said Vim Deglan, research fellow at Kings College.
  
“Yes, it seems that once a critical mass of men give up their restless sexual imagina- tion, craving for independence and furtherance in the world and turn towards the void of unknowing that beats out of the hearts of their women in intoxicating waves of beauty, that some kind of international flash point of conscious delight is reached.”
  
Deglan’s words have been dismissed by many as silly, but nobody can dispute the effects of what is happening.
  
The whole world is world is going love nuts.
  
Many women have voiced their shock at the implica- tion of this turn of events. Activist, campaigner and feminist philosopher Sandy Devlin spoke for millions of modern women on her blog this morning when she wrote, “I always thought love was emotion, movement, neediness - and I gave up dreaming about that nonsense when I was fourteen years old. But love’s not what I’d learnt it was at all. Its a strange and magical stillness. “We all thought we were fighting for equality and for justice and respect. When, it turns out, all we wanted, after all, was love.”

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