The Paradoxical Essence Men

Ram-Man: Essence Men Trading Card No. 5
The Paradoxical Essence Men are a superhero group appearing in Kamichan comics #86 - 88.

Ram-man Super-power: indestructible head and laser-firing horns.* He can’t fly but he can jump from tall buildings, just as long as he lands on his head. He can also summon millions of sheep, from miles around, to help him escape from empty warehouses surrounded by the cops. His weakness is that he can only solve problems that require charging full pelt into a wall.**

The Sempstress When super-heros gain their super powers they also gain superb tailoring skills. The sempstress is alone in only being able to stitch, knit and crochet, but at lightening speed and with any material. She can, depending on the super-villian she’s facing, instantly knock out titanium gloves, electric corsets, custard socks or trousers made of clouds.

Captain Appropriate By day Milton Hornpipe passes as one of the great unexceptional, with nothing about him more remarkable to the haphazard eye than a micro-vivid element of jaunt to an unusually flexible gait. By night, however, his is. Captain Appropriate (aka Aptman). Superpower: knows The Right Thing to Do. Has a series of arch-enemies with which he does regular battle; The darkly obsessive Dr Plan, the restless Jiggler, Gagboy and The Mood.

Godella When the forces of evil threaten, gentle Jane Lloyd unpins her chignon and rips off her neat, capable and slightly tense alter-ego to reveal the blinding essence of Woman. Has the power to turn super villians into super heroes - and vice versa. Godella’s weakness is that she has no idea that she is a super hero - and were she ever to know, she would become a super villian. Super-weakness: paperwork. Super enemies: Cockman and the Drip.

Catfish! Catfish!’s superpower is lunatic sensitivity. Mild Mike Mitchell was a a sex-desperate and emotionally unstable teenager who yearned to tear himself open and radiate with a thousand suns of splendour when Godella curtsied his brains out, blasting the doors of his perception from their hinges leaving him staggering around a hypervivid eternal uber-universe of pure otherness and intimate wonder. Catfish! has three superpowers - whispery communication with light, the pink tip and timeless love songs. Super-weakness: porn

Antman. Antman has the power to lift twenty times his own body weight, run as fast as a racehorse and squirt formic acid from his bottom. His weakness is that he is actually an ant.

Timegirl Timegirl gained the power to move forwards and backwards in time by accidentally eating a special moth. After telling her early self not to waste her life with schooling, career or pointless, lustreless love affairs she started organising the past of the world to create a future paradise, tweaking events years ago and then pinging forward a few millennia to see the butterfly effects. She is therefore responsible for all the suffering in the world, and is sorry for the inconvenience.

Other E-Men include Mauve, LinemanMonkey Girl, Horseradish and The Man Without Attributes.

All team up to fight Dr Plan who is holding the world to ransom with his conventionaliser; a tachyon-field emitting atomiser which makes everyone a bit worried and want to check their email.

The only time the good guys and the bad guys stop fighting each other is when they gang up against the paradox guys.

* Ram man can also ejaculate 30 - 40 times a day and each ejaculation contains eight times the number of sperm of a normal man.

** Also he can’t use his horns because they’re pointing at his head.