There are a growing number of androids in current circulation that have become convinced they are human. It is as yet unknown whether this is due to a design fault, or the result of malware, but if you have recently found yourself thinking, feeling or behaving mechanically, digitally or unempathically, we recommend you take our simple test.

There are ten questions. Just make a record of your answers, and then check the results below.

1. Which is better;
a) Talking?
b) Listening?

2. Is it better to talk about...
a) Computers, news, work, theory and philosophy?

b) Health, family, romance, memory and personality?

3. Which is better;
a) Thought?
b) Feeling?

4. Which is better;

a) An imaginative approach?
b) A logical approach?

5. Is it better,
a) To please yourself?
b) To please others?

6. Which is better;

a) Doing too much?

b) Not doing enough?

7. Which is better;
a) Being on your own?
b) Being in groups?

8. Which are worse,

a) Weakness, fear, masochism and shame?

b) Pride, arrogance, sadism and hate?

9. Which is better,

a) Order?
b) Chaos?

10. Which are better,
a) Adventure, change and innovation?
b) Safety, certainty and tradition?

If you answered mostly as, you are probably a male-type or mental android. If you answered mostly bs, you are probably a female-type or emotional android. Turn yourself in immediately. Genuine humans are noted for their flexibility and for their resistance to emotions or thoughts that prejudice them against the demands of the present moment. If you found that you answered "it depends" for most of the above questions, or found them rather idiotic, you are almost certainly a genuine human being; but beware of those you did find an easy answer to, for you may have had a android chip placed in some part of your psyche and will need to have it extracted. This is an agonising procedure, but after you have fallen apart in shattered unspeakable life-awe, weeping silent cleansing tears of total transformation, you’ll be thankful for it.